{Photograph} by Isabella Hammad.
Wednesday, Might 20, 2020
My world has shrunk dramatically. The good thing about lockdown for me is studying to reside day in time out with out fixed change. That is life, time passing. That is how I think about most individuals reside.
I regarded on the objects in the home
the titles of the books
unusual incandescence from the home windows
Thursday, Might 21, 2020
I really feel, what’s the level of something
going locations seeing individuals doing something
simply methods to go the time
Friday, Might 29, 2020
I woke too early once more—5:30. Stayed in mattress till 6. Deep itchy dry cough—hopefully simply allergy symptoms / restoration from smoking on the weekend. It’s the weekend once more! Time slips by so shortly throughout lockdown. L. cycled to see me yesterday—I like him when he’s my pal. He appeared happy I’m involved-ish with somebody though I additionally detected a little bit of jealousy. However largely goodwill. He mentioned his relationship is steady and prompt considerably missing in ardour however who is aware of if that’s true. I believe he feels I fucked up what occurred between us and that I wasn’t reliable. However I do know he was additionally seeing another person on the time so I don’t actually really feel responsible. He & I might not have labored collectively.
I like Annie Ernaux, I believe I’ll learn all her books. The premium on honesty & exactitude. Laborious to know precisely what you’re aiming for in writing—the achievement of sure results, the creation of “magnificence” (?)—however as shut as doable to honesty—if not reality—is a transparent and truly radical-feeling objective
In the present day I’ll converse with J. about Prashad & Benjamin’s Critique of Violence.
I dropped espresso on the steps & I don’t assume the stain will come out. I attempted over a number of days, placing mum on video name to assist me. I’ll provide to pay for a cleaner.
lurid creativeness
Saturday, Might 30, 2020
I slept longer final evening however solely as a result of I slept a bit earlier—round 11. Woke at 6:30 once more / 6:15. Drained. Z. got here for dinner. She is studying my manuscript and can drop it off on Sunday. Nervous and searching ahead to her ideas. So drained it’s insufferable. Will I spend my complete life sleepless like this? I used to have the ability to sleep lengthy. Now I’m too gentle, I’m fabricated from nothing, I rise too simply.
Monday, June 8, 2020
fascinated about A. & Q.
from Z. to do:
– artistic abstract of Hamlet earlier than rehearsal
– forged record earlier
– Gaza shoreline finish of Chapter 2. Lifeguards
– arabic in arabic script
– one of many forged from Gaza
– getting her passport renewed
Monday, June 15, 2020
Learn Jacques Rancière.
Hamlet is a useless man from Act One.
Lookup map of Bethlehem & camps.
Simone de Beauvoir The Mandarins
p. 275 “The reality of 1’s life is exterior oneself, in occasions, in different individuals, in issues; to speak about oneself, one should discuss every little thing else.”
The place Russian mass spectacle overtly ideological and affirmative, Dada group (at the least in early section) all negating, anti-ideological and anarchist.
Thursday, July 2, 2020
Dreamt I went to Amman & didn’t pack any footwear—didn’t plan what to pack in any respect—bought there—opened bag—tons of Converse, for some motive
invited S. & T. over pondering I. & I. have been out—they got here again, needed to hurry everybody out & not far away
one thing about Teta
every little thing feels porous Majed Jihad
Jenan Ibrahim Wael Mariam Amin Faris
what circumstance exhibits Mariam excluding Sonia from Ophelia
Sonia watching Jenan—having lately learn these strains
Jihad saying one thing
Sonia not sure if he’s joking
repetition
play after play
—This rehearsal itself a efficiency
this exhausting factor the place I’ve to be invisible on a regular basis
the outrage I appear to trigger once I take up house or assert myself
I awakened very early that morning and sat exterior with a younger man cracking olives on a brick to get them prepared for curing smoking narghile
Amin says—I had a dream about you
there may be a lot sky right here
Wendy Brown, Wounded Attachments, 1993
stressed timber
incarnation
murderous warmth
everybody on their telephones
later appropriate considered Faris—that she ought to give misogyny a lot leeway
argument amin & wael
Thursday, July 9, 2020
particular crumbling plaster
—ask Jess E.?
visible pleasure
patchwork of quotations starvation within the eyes
swedish lady
[ dreamt about Randa ]
oppression turns you right into a collective topic moderately a person self current
actor in possession of your physique
illusory Genet factor: energy of Friends
& lack of energy of Isrs
[ deconditioning of impulse ] ——————————– *
[ email theater person ]
burning metropolis
quickly to be darkness
Monday, July 13, 2020
Struggling to focus on Sonia.
Liberation exists in need, not id.
The sensation of operating from a burning constructing.
Demise nibbles at every little thing—every little thing will disintegrate however we’ll go first—human our bodies are weaker than concrete partitions
Friday, August 21, Andros, Greece
Sitting on shared balcony upstairs, wanting down, or throughout, on the sea. Nonetheless fairly amazed I’m right here. S., T., C. Everybody may be very thoughtful, understanding, easygoing. Fascinating that I normally anticipate some pettiness or neuroticism or selfishness or irritation to react to—in order that I really feel the least easygoing in some respects, regardless that I’m very easygoing. Like, I didn’t just like the music N. performed at dinner the opposite evening; the others didn’t even discover.
Greece jogs my memory of Palestine.
First few days particularly I couldn’t think about difficult studying; beginning to come again to me. As a result of only a physique within the warmth, below the solar. S. & T. are each so sensible & so attuned & educated; makes me wish to know extra, learn extra; they’re in fact older than me however nonetheless.
Plans for future—unsure … go to Athens for every week, come again to Andros? I’ll go to see the home with Riccardo that he says is gorgeous and €350 a month. I will likely be lonely however I’ll write. It’s higher to be lonely someplace lovely. When N., M.’s pal, visited together with his sister he solely mentioned being caught on Tinos all lockdown was great. However I can’t assist pondering he will need to have been lonely. T. mentioned he appeared a bit intimidated by us and possibly he did, his gestures have been very cautious, they didn’t discuss a lot. Dinner dialog was all pleasantries, which was completely nice.
Issues which have died within the pool:
2 dragonflies
a bat
a butterfly
a lizard
a number of wasps
2 (?) crickets
Friday, August 28, 2020
Final day on the villa on Andros—the tip of summer time rustling. I’m able to go though I remorse not writing, pondering extra whereas right here. I’ll transfer to Athens tomorrow for at the least a month.
Yesterday went to see the little home within the mountains above Korthio—a village referred to as Kochilos—historical little home with staggering view—however I’m undecided I would like that degree of isolation if I don’t have a automotive however I did / am fascinated about it. T. bought grumpy from the drive and C. was jokingly on his facet, getting irritated at S. for each his enthusiasm and his imperfect instructions—who took their annoyance with a smile. I felt a bit remoted and retreated into myself. At a really windy seashore I entered the water feeling unusually on verge of tears. Why? As a result of it was my fault we went on the lengthy drive at midday, as a substitute of getting lunch first? I climbed over the rocks below an enormous fallen rock not far away of the seashore & sat in a stony inlet shielded from the wind. Misplaced my sun shades within the sea once I went for a wee. Sat on the rocks below the cliff & completed Lord Jim with the ocean tough and dramatic seething on the rocks and between them.
I’m the alternative of my boisterous self in the beginning of the journey. Perhaps I get able to be alone & write.
Sunday, September 6, 2020, Athens
Dreamt about E. On a ship, at evening, in a storm.
Sitting on balcony studying A. Chee (I prefer it) & listening to a sound like an azan, a methods off—a mournful chanting. Perhaps a Greek Orthodox church?
Sky may be very blue, stinging blue. Getting sensitized to my environment. Being observant makes me really feel peaceable.
Ideas about NOVEL: convey the abortion up entrance.
Perhaps this morning I ought to trawl by Hamlet in search of a title.
Edward Stated on Lord Jim:
“Neither man, whether or not hearer or storyteller, actually inhabits the world of information”
Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Query: Why is it that every time I start to method my work I really feel the beginnings of concern? I begin to really feel depressed? And but once I’m not doing it I really feel dissatisfied.
Saturday, September 26, 2020
Amin’s brother’s story
a love too new, too robust nonetheless, in its first violence
lots of people dinging out of elevators
Friday, October 2, 2020
In my new flat in Exarcheia—Kallidromiou. Huge 2-bedroom, Seventies, marble sink, outdated shutters. Historical fridge, malfunctioning oven, balconies entrance & again.
In every single place I keep there may be constructing work throughout the way in which. Sitting at desk in again bed room I see by the balcony doorways a person with a handsaw on the threerd flooring a number of buildings again.
E. referred to as me yesterday & once more spent a whole hour speaking nonstop about his ex-wife. I referred to as him a power interrupter & it briefly appeared to offer him pause.
Wednesday, October 7, 2020
Struggling to jot down
Thursday, October 8, 2020
Grief give me 40 days I want 40 days
Joan Didion: “the relentless succession of moments throughout which we’ll confront the expertise of meaninglessness itself”
Henry Miller: “The traditional Greek was a assassin”
phantom seas of blood
to be freed from time & house to be in mythic time to be freed from context in Greek time
falling into historical past
meditate
dreamt of Qais, someway, renting a lovely flat in a really harmful neighborhood
Rilke: “the questions … like locked rooms” … once more
murmur within the blood
Sonia is unrefined & unfinished nonetheless second order
insufferable freedom marriages like public shelters
Lenin: “Extremely-leftism is an childish dysfunction”
Sunday, November 8, 2020
Comical? That he left on first day of quarantine / lockdown, & once I bought within the taxi to take him to the airport the motive force requested, wanting shaky, if we have been husband & spouse. He mentioned no, at which the motive force defined solely certainly one of us could possibly be within the taxi then. So I bought out & we mentioned goodbye on the pavement.
Hanging her laundry exterior and one thing falls, a string vest, onto the awning of the flat two flooring beneath.
I felt inexplicably comfortable.
Unusual dream swimming a girl mentioned, you don’t have any jewish mates & but you’ve got jewish lovers an eavesdropper checked out me, shocked; I mentioned, she misspoke—I’m palestinian, she meant to say israeli, not jewish
Friday, November 13, 2020
NO MORE SMOKING—ruins focus within the mornings.
Studying Baldwin, One other Nation, first chapter I’ve a sense of dread & anger about male violence.
Tuesday, November 17, 2020
Dream: within the French quarter in Athens, the place J.R. stayed; gated group, residential, everybody speaks French.
as lightning freezes movement
somebody turns up with a microphone, places it in entrance of his mouth, one man & then one other, a few of them praying carrying baseball caps & backpacks within the warmth, sheikh takes over, carrying sun shades, provides the khutba
على هذه الارض تحت القبة الزرقاء
I’m sorry, he mentioned, seeing the expression he’d delivered to her face
Monday, November 30, 2020
Returning to writing, reflection. Went again to sleep after being woken by reversing truck bleeping & unintentionally slept till 10:45. Went to unlawful dinner of seven individuals at a journalist V.’s home within the neighborhood. I met her first—or noticed her first—once I went to look around her flat, as she is staying there quickly & it belongs to mates of I.L.’s. However it’s a sublet (they usually have been overcharging) so it wouldn’t work for my residency software. Then I met her once more at my neighbor S.’s home for brunch a number of weeks in the past & she acknowledged my eyes (I’d been carrying a masks). I acknowledged her curly hair however solely after she mentioned it.
At dinner: V., S., S., a journalist who used to reside in Palestine, a Greek Romanian lady D. and her associate, Australian. I overlook his title. Was good. I felt the journalist was performing loads, cracking jokes. Humorous how American journalists who’ve lived within the Center East usually have an identical vibe. Weathered, educated, insecure.
I dreamt about A. That I waved at him from throughout the road in Jerusalem however we didn’t truly meet. Later I discovered from a policeman who was additionally an Oxford porter and likewise an American don that A. had covid. And that E.’s mom was a billionaire, and her neighbor was within the Greek secret police.
The issue of obsessing over originality—divorcing approach from its correct purpose—empty virtuosity. The issue of the West post-Reformation
jinn are created from hearth
angels from daylight
iblis a jinn
shaytan from moonlight?
The Bible: demons love water & seek for it. Luke 8:29–33
“I’ve heard that responsible creatures sitting at a play”
Wednesday, January 6, 2021, Athens
How you can write about that feeling I used to be reminded of final evening on the finish of Hurdle: a sheerness of desolation & disappointment produced by buildings of injustice; the quiet wail of the soul; boys leaping on blocks of concrete
Thursday, January 21, 2021
Appear to be combating one thing off. Sleeping lengthy hours. Dreamt about being unable to wake.
Friday, January 22, 2021
Nonetheless unusual chest ache. Sleeping 9 hours an evening. Need to end story & ship to A. though I don’t assume he’ll prefer it. Haven’t smoked in virtually 2 weeks.
Sunday, February 7, 2021
I bought in poor health once more—sinus, ears—regardless that I haven’t been smoking simply tiredness—a busy week. Selected a flat to purchase in Neapoli, provide accepted—began educating—after which had one explicit evening of horrible sleep that did me in. Learn that M.A.G. who I met when he was O.’s roommate has been arrested and I simply felt so indignant. Then questioning my anger. Wrote novel as we speak however nonetheless really feel caught within the voice. Repetition of the “I.” Have to learn some first-person narratives that relieve the stress of the I—variation. Have began The Form of the Ruins by Juan Gabriel Vasquez & having fun with.
I can’t consider that just about a yr has handed since I used to be mendacity on Q.’s couch attempting to organize for PalFest earlier than I flew to Jordan & they introduced the cancelation, the circulation of the virus …
I’m at the moment sitting in my spare room on the again, west-facing; I’m grateful for this view. Like being on a ship. I see the skies alight within the afternoons, cracks of solar behind clumps of soppy cloud, crowding collectively; the buildings, far sufficient away.
Saturday, February 13, 2021
I’m uninterested in this flat. That is the longest I’ve remained in a single home for years and years. I hate the temporariness, I hate the issues on the partitions, the crappy Ikea beds. Perhaps I ought to consider it as—the short-term place the place I’ll end my novel. Laborious to not really feel divorced from the novel—written by a former self. To write down about duende and the ecstatic expertise of art-making—once I can not entry that. Is that this as a result of the pandemic makes time really feel so uncontained; unlaces the compartments we allot our time into, in order that one factor bleeds into one other & destroys (or dilutes) focus? All the pieces is diluted, that’s it.
Went to the seashore twice this week. It felt good to be in a distinct atmosphere, to swim within the stunning chilly. A fairly efficient antidepressant.
The balcony doorways of this flat really feel flimsy; they let air and creatures in.
I believe I’m despairing lower than some others at the moment—why? Am I bored of despair?
The atmosphere the place they do the efficiency is essential. Principally I must go across the West Financial institution imagining locations to placed on performs.
Friday, April 9, 2021
Passage of time is horrifying. It’s already spring—I’ve nonetheless not completed my ebook or achieved very a lot.
I really feel more and more involved by qu. of residing an moral life—at the least that’s the place my ideas usually go. Revelation final yr partially induced by dialog with L. after which expanded by evaluation that moral conduct begins with moral conduct towards the self. i.e. self-respect is an ethical difficulty. This appears to resolve one thing for me.
One other revelation is my cynicism. A bent towards satire, towards the humanist proposition of the fictional endeavor—maybe a zeitgeisty anti-empathy second in public discourse fuels this—however which additionally runs contra to my real-life conduct, my hopes from individuals I meet, & so on. This has additionally come out in conversations with C. re: religion, & my lack of it—not solely in a “increased energy” à la ten-step applications however religion in something bigger, metaphysical, not trapped or deterministically conditioned by methods.
every little thing is so overwhelming—ideas go by me—fixed feeling that my ideas aren’t adequate
Z. referred to as pondering it was my birthday. Beloved speaking to her—we talked in regards to the significance of remaining versatile, not simply inheriting opinions or saying “it’s settler colonialism” & mic drop, that closes the talk—& the Nathan Thrall piece within the NYRB
nothing extra compelling than a love story
—however why? The last word in human connection, the final type of it
do a narrative in numbered paragraphs
the thought of studying from lovers
(I’m all the time looking for to be taught from lovers)
Wednesday, April 21, 2021, Athens
awakened with anxieties of uselessness
slowness
a parcel of eggs
pg. 43 Coetzee In The Coronary heart of the Nation:
“Out of the blankness that surrounds me I have to pluck the incident after incident after incident whose little explosions preserve me going”
Friday, Might 14, 2021, Athens
dreamt about Gaza was a journalist watching Hamas preparing in a subject—prepared, basically, to be slaughtered
each “city” was subsequent to a different city—no house between—extra like neighborhoods
Very cramped, everybody’s home led to a different’s home
Friday, Might 28, 2021, Athens
The day of my first vaccination. Having fun with staying at B.’s—awakened this morning fascinated about how depressing I might really feel if I used to be residing by myself in the meanwhile. Now—I’ve firm and I can relaxation. Put up-cease-fire. Making an attempt to return to dreaming mind-set. The warfare elevated my telephone habit—I really feel like I want a detox.
Considering going to Brown within the fall. Have to consider what I wish to educate—on archives? Benjamin, Carlo Ginzburg, Saidiya Hartman.
Monday, June 14, 2021, Amman, Jordan
I’ve been right here virtually every week. Flew in final Monday evening arriving at 4:20 a.m.; M. got here & picked me up & drove me to N.’s place in Abdoun. Actually beautiful to see all of them—N., T., M.—though I’ve felt fairly drained and ineffective, not sleeping nicely, rising drained, not working nicely. Nonetheless, it’s good and sizzling and reassuring to see mates. Cigarettes and hash from final evening are heavy on my lungs.
My head isn’t actually within the novel but. I do know I’ve to get there—by studying and pondering.
Wednesday, June 16, 2021, Amman
Now at S.’s in Dabouq / Sweiseh. Dreamt of R.
Guide: who do I write this for?
Hegel in Haiti, Susan Buck-Morss: Hegel bought the thought from the Haitian slave revolt.
Friday, June 18, 2021
To struggle the struggle but in addition to struggle towards the struggle.
Winnicott’s object for use.
“Palestinian violence seeks to keep up sanity for its individuals by the insistence that the self exists even because the oppressors search to disclaim it”
Tuesday, June 22, 2021, La Marsa, Tunisia
first impressions:
The cucumbers are whitish and bushy. The bigger ones are fairly bitter. The seawater appears a bit soiled. The air is misty, the horizon meets the sky in a bluish haze, blurred out. Buildings are low, white; small home windows, splashes of blue like in Sidi Bou Stated, then majnuni timber bow over backyard partitions and flood a nook with colour; domed entranceways, every little thing designed to maintain out the warmth.
Persons are calm, not like in Bilad al-Sham. No must cowl up, clothes and shorts positive. Everybody worn-out and shushed by the warmth.
Thursday, June 24, 2021
Nonetheless sore from yoga yesterday. Explored Marsa Corniche. Sizzling & salty air, humid. Noticed a black cat with a face like J.S. It was approaching so I gave it the stink eye.
Tomorrow, Friday, I’ll begin writing within the morning. Within the afternoon possibly see Z., & then dinner in Sidi Bou Stated with M.
Now an orange cat that jogs my memory of E. Taking part in cold and warm, pleasant eyes, needed meals however bought the message, sitting farther down the wall ignoring me.
Merleau-Ponty: “Our pondering can’t be separate from the our bodies during which it takes place.”
Jacques Lacan: “We need the will of the opposite.”
Sunday, June 27, 2021, La Marsa, Tunisia
Noticed M. for lunch—all different Sunday plans dissolved as a result of individuals are a bit of flaky. Appears I’d want to depart for Paris on the 7th, not the 13th, as Tunis is happening France’s purple record. I’ve to search out someplace to remain. I’m at Y.’s from the 13th.
I like Tunis—though it does really feel a bit of uninteresting. All the pieces calm, positive; hardly any harassment—lower than Greece, anyway. All the pieces is a tad placid.
Some ideas Saturday morning, Paris
Shall be good once I reside in my very own place, chargeable for my very own issues, taking mercy on others once they break one thing of mine.
How explicit the French are.
Paris is cramped and costly.
Sophie Toscan du Plantier—harmful to be feminine. That’s why they’re so protecting of us.
The playground as a primary social house, the place of explicit sorts of fantasies. Cartwheeling, skipping rope—none of which I did, truly.
Saturday night
Walked towards Shakespeare & Co. however by no means made it, spoke to A. & walked dwelling once more. Some rain.
All of the sudden I’ve a pang—I’m not as hardworking as 1,000,000 others—one factor at a time, end this ebook & then learn & work on the syllabus, learn many issues, you don’t should be something however what you’re—
My exhaustion is so intense, that’s the issue, there’s a sort of deadline on this now since I’m going to Brown—I’ve misplaced the adrenaline & impetus of pre-Covid life solely slowly returning to it
—but in addition don’t lose sight of your material, latest occasions
—consider Simone Weil’s coronary heart beating throughout the globe
—maybe some feeling of concern is nice for getting your ass shifting—I assiduously & obsessively made notes & crammed notebooks for The Parisian—however bear in mind I additionally wish to be comfortable, I, like everybody else, will die quickly
I preferred the rain as we speak, it jogged my memory of London ugly English rain
Kanafani: “Man is a trigger, not flesh and blood handed down from technology to technology like a service provider and his shopper exchanging a can of chopped meat.”
Tuesday, July 13, 2021, Paris
dreamt spaceship hovering above Dublin. Somebody went to analyze with an air bicycle. I mentioned, I had a Gaza dream a few spaceship—it regarded similar to that; sq., lights, filling the sky, not shifting. Feeling amongst us in Dublin that this was inevitable; we might all go up there.
A person pursuing me, my mates weren’t useless, simply hiding.
O.T. [the writer] was residing within the constructing, he had copies of The Recognitions and one thing else I liked. I advised him I had hassle concentrating on studying.
I killed the pursuing man, he wouldn’t die quietly, I slashed his throat—I believe he stood in for H. as a result of I advised him I liked him & he mentioned he was sorry after which he mentioned he liked me too.
Wednesday, July 21, 2021, flight, Paris→Athens
Picasso Rodin—noticed with M.
A number of work of lovers kissing or fucking, warfare & intercourse—the 2 nice matters
additionally the Courbet on the Musée d’Orsay—L’Origine du Monde—I believe I truly blushed once I noticed it—& then I watched M.’s reflection within the glass of the opposite portray on the perpendicular wall, ready for him to maneuver so I might have a look at it correctly. After which we sat on the grass, or lay moderately, within the backyard of the museum.
Beside me on the airplane somebody’s sister watches a Lara Croft film on her telephone glass shatters in sluggish movement as Angelina Jolie dives by a window
However returning to Rodin
additionally why am I all the time dropping issues
chronically I’m so clumsy
Rodin—participating with the human type once more—someway a delight and a shock to assume once more of the human creature in a pores and skin
this humorous animal we’re with 2 legs and a pair of arms
Isabella Hammad’s story “Getrude” seems within the winter difficulty of the Paris Assessment.
